Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.