Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
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Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Fights fire with marshmallows
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.