Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work