Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

uh oh

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”