I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
How do you milk an almond?
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.