Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.