My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.