This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch