Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Go girl power!
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese