I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 馃槶馃槖馃ぃ FIRST OF ALL
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Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Everything reminds me of my ex
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can鈥檛 move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
These are my emotional support Pringles.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
It鈥檚 at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you鈥檝e been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.