Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
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Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up