I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
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I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I bet birds love this building.