12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”