I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
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Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.