[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.