me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Ghost costume 😂
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
what’s the point then??
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
black phone good
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ