Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
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Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I have questions??
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…