What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
You Might Also Like
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.