Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more