My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*