Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
You Might Also Like
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
my fav colour is also hitler
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.