Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me driving through Toronto
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.