Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Worth the read.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
💯😂
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Noah was an idiot.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.