Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
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I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
A French press is when you hug naked
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack