Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills