Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

water it, i dare you

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]