Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
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If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I feel seen.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
We have a winner.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Okay me first
Reporter: *ports again*
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏