People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow