Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑