My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early