People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.