People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”