People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

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DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo


I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless


Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”


North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.


I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her


An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough


Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?


Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.