DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
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I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.