SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.