Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
You Might Also Like
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
two people or more is called a problem
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
The most important meal of the day is the next one
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.