You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
i think we should see other cousins
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect