There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
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I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*