TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
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Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
mom gave me mine for free
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead