TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.