me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
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Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Google reviews are always so mixed..
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.