Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
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me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
The prophecy is fulfilled
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.