Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
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Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button