When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.