Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Damn what did I do next
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!