Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
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Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
the short answer to this question
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?