Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
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When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever