me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
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[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
6: are snakes just neck?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Sex so good you see dead people.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?