So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
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Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
(more comics:
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?