Mike Tyson’s apartment building
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If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Hotels are back
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving