Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Monday
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.