Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
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Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.