I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.