Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
If you’re testing me, we failed.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
This was my dad’s browser history.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse