Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
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12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first