I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
50 shades of grey = my Liver
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography