Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.