Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
It’s a gift
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.